The Broken Computer & Silver Kia
I loved that computer. It had a silver cpu and a black monitor. We even had a printer hooked up to it so that the newest Panic At the Disco lyrics could always be plastered on my wall. I really loved that computer. It allowed me to check on my friends that I rarely got to see and it let me display my top eight for the world. I vividly remember the day that computer was broken. I was so excited that my best friend was coming over to help me watch my little sisters. She was going to stay the night with me while my mom and her boyfriend went out.
Maybe he was her fiance. Maybe he was her husband. Hell if I know what he was. I just knew he was a stripper and that man made me really uncomfortable. He would leave his “promotional” pictures around the house where I could see them. For a 14 year old girl that was just learning what sexuality actually was, his passive aggressive sexual behavior taught me one thing: Black men were not for me. Maybe it was his tone. Or maybe it was the sly commentary about my weight. Maybe it was his draining my mother's bank account. I don’t know what it was but that man made me cringe. But all of that didn’t matter tonight. I was going to have a fun night with my best friend!
She came over and they headed out. We instantly ordered take out and started memorizing the new Panic at the Disco CD. The food arrived and I felt so adult for answering the door and leaving a tip all by myself. It’s not like I hadn’t done it before, but this time was different. I was going to be at home overnight by myself so it meant I was running the show. This was back in the day when you had to wait for your night time minutes to kick in unless you had mobile to mobile. My little sisters had been fed and were in their room so it was big girls night out. We danced, we made funny videos, we laughed at funny stuff on the television, we ate way too much food, and we had the best sleepover there could have been.
Or at least I thought. My mom and her man came home. I was perplexed because I didn’t understand why. They were supposed to be out all night. Now I knew my night was going to come to a close. If only I knew what was coming. People always used to poke fun at me for being named Raven. I would always get the “can you see the future” jokes. The worst part was that I was really named after Raven-Symone and I couldn’t shake it. I wish I could have seen the future everyday, but this night in particular I would have given my all to see it.
They came home and they were arguing, about what who knows what. It could have been the fact that he knew deep down he was not good enough for my mother, it could have been my mother's regret for entertaining him, it could have been his guilt about cheating on her, or it could have just been something that happened that night when he was performing. All I know is that the fight was dramatic. I was used to the dramatic fighting but I turned to my side and saw my best friend at the time…... A young, vibrant, and kind white girl who was in the midst of a world war. I was so embarrassed and I was praying that they would stop so she could go home. I didn’t care that it was in the middle of the night. I would have risked my life if I needed to so that she didn’t see what was going on. Of course all of the ruckus woke up my two young sisters. Seriously, can this night get any worse?!
Yes. The arguing took a turn for the worse and for the life of me I can’t remember why. The only thing I remember was the cpu flying across the room and hitting my mother. I remember being in complete shock. I remember the look on my little sister’s face. I was so disgusted I knew that I needed to do something. So I did what Raven had always done. I started to scream, curse, and do whatever I could to shield my sisters and my mother. He looked me directly in my eyes and told me to mind my business. I have never understood why people say foolish things like that. “Mind my business”. You are standing in the living room in the apartment I live in and throwing a cpu at the woman that gave birth to me in front of me and my sisters. Is there a better definition of my business you ignorant ass? Well, see I have never been one to back down and tonight was not going to be the night that I started.
He wanted to make a scene, well little did he know I might have been young but I had a Ph.D in making a scene. I ran right to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. You want to play with someone, trust me I have always been the person to play with. I love games. It was what happened next that haunted me for the next 13 years. My mother looked at me and told me that I was wrong. She told me that I needed to calm down and learn my place. I had never been so disappointed. You mean to tell me that this man can break the things you worked for so hard, he wasn’t that cute so I know he wasn’t making that much money stripping, and I am in the wrong? You are going to take his side before the person who would literally lose their life for you? See the crazy thing about love and loyalty is that it will make you believe it is you and them against the world. It will trick you into thinking you are defending honor when you are defending defeat. It will trick you into thinking you have made the right decision when you are knocking on hells door.
So I let them continue their battle and I accepted defeat. The defeat that came with guilt, anger, and frustration. The kind that haunts you at night. The kind that makes you question why you tried in the first place. I went to school the next day and couldn’t contain my pain. I was broken in every way. My teachers kept asking me why I was so down. They noticed I was not playing sports like I used to. They noticed I didn’t have the same drive that I once had. They noticed I hated going home. How could I tell this all white group of administrators that the little black girl, her mother, and her sisters were sleeping in a silver Kia in the walmart parking lot? See the fight spilled over and I am guessing there was no turning back. What I do know is that my mother and her children were sleeping in a van while this man was sleeping in our three bedroom apartment. See this made no sense to me. What type of grown man would allow his woman to be without? But isn’t it funny how these things manifest themselves later on in life? Well, let me not go there just yet, I will save that for another chapter. Every time I stepped out of that Kia in the drop off line for school I automatically felt relief. I felt that for at least a couple of hours I was going to get some peace. My family always thought that I got good grades in school because I was smart. Hell no. They thought it was because my grandparents gave me money for good grades. Wrong again. I did it so that I would never be in a silver Kia again. I did it so that no matter what happened to me, I would never sleep in a car again. I did it so that I could obtain as much education as needed to make sure I didn’t end up in a dead end relationship with a man that didn’t care about me or my children. I did it so that I could rescue not only me but my sisters from our dark past.
I remember eating McDonalds in that car everyday. It was all we could afford. Now, my mother was no dummy. She had a degree and a high paying job with excellent benefits. But something funny happens when you love someone. Suddenly your money becomes theirs. Suddenly their dreams become your own. Suddenly what’s best for them is what is best for you. So the 30,000 plus dollars ( in her bank account) all dwindled away to the point where my sisters and I were rationing out a number 4 and my mother was skipping meals. It’s crazy what love can do. It can leave you with no computer, a tarnished sense of self worth and sleeping in a car. At this point, I thought there was no going down from here. Boy was I wrong. I had so much built up aggression towards my mother, I didn’t know how to control it. This woman told me we were going back to live with him. I looked at her and just about cursed her slam out. Notice I said just about, I might have been bold but I wasn’t stupid. You don’t curse your black mother out unless you want to be in the obituaries the next week. I was so angry. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. We moved back in and I went silent.
At this time, it seemed like there was no hope. There’s a funny thing about hope though. If you search for it long enough, it always surfaces… You see nothing happens in life to you, it ALL happens for you. This twisted sick turn of events gave me something that I don’t know I would have obtained anywhere else. It gave me the understanding that no matter where life takes me, I have two young beautiful women looking up to me to pave a new way. I have two women who are fierce and intelligent under my wing that I can mold and shape and help them through whatever life may bring. This all gave me my sisters and my fierce desire to protect and love them with everything I have. People think I am joking when I post about them as being my best friends, I am being completely honest. They showed me that even when you are at your lowest, there is still someone looking up to you so you need to keep going. I gained purpose and for that, I am grateful.