Sis, let me tell you….
I have recently realized that men have it hard and I mean HARD too.
Now let me put out these couple of disclaimers:
1.) Them having it hard does not negate how hard we as women have it
2.) Them having it hard does not excuse them not positively relating to their emotions and being rude/ abusive to others
3.) Them having it hard does not mean that we should be held responsible for healing their wounds.
These things and more are true, but I have recently realized that men have it HARD too.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and we were talking about the expectations that are constantly put on men. We were exploring how relationships start and the expectations that are put on a man to “woo” a woman and to have the courage to move the relationship forward.
It is common knowledge, not meaning this is always how it happens, that men are expected to be leaders and they are expected to provide….
What happens if no one teaches them? What happens if they don’t know how? What happens when they become overwhelmed?
I think about the wonderful male friends that I have and listening to their hardships and listening to their battles I can’t imagine what some of the pressure they experience feels like..
Let me put myself in their shoes for one second….
I am a black man, working in a country that doesn’t write laws that favor my freedom or growth… I have to worry about the way that I present myself at all times, God forbid I be tall or large in stature because EVERYWHERE I go I will have to overcompensate with being kind so people don’t think that I am a threat… I have to worry about providing for my family ( even if I never had an example for how to do so), I have to never show too many emotions because then I am weak, but if I don’t show any at all I am a jerk… I have to deal with racism.. I have to work twice as hard as my counterparts for the same positions, I have to try and navigate my romantic life (possibly being fetishized by women of other races), I have to be perfect when everyone around me is expecting me to fail…
How the hell do they survive under all of that pressure?!
How do they cope with the pain they are going through, because let’s face it we don’t typically give them a forum to relate to their emotions in a healthy way…. They start crying and they are told to suck it up… They watch abuse happen and are told to act in the opposite… They watch their friends and loved ones struggle but are told to brush it all off…What about their mental health?!
What type of existence can it be to feel as though you are only of value if you provide and if you cannot, you will be replaced?
I say all of this because I believe that men need some hugs too.
Men need someone to vent to, they need someone to tell them what they feel matters, they need someone to tell them they are proud of them, they need someone to tell them it is okay to quit their 9-5 and pursue their dreams ( with vigor), they need someone to tell them that their experience matters….
I don’t know what it means to be a man… and I damn sure don’t know what it is like to be a minority man in America. I do know that their experience is important and deserves to be acknowledged.
If men are expected to be strong, hard working, and affectionate leaders to those around them, their environment needs to reflect that growth.
Whether it is a brother, uncle, grandfather, friend, nephew, or love interest be sure to give them a sincere listening ear… It is not that they are not screaming for our help and support, it is that we don’t know how to identify their cries.
We can do it sis, just trust the journey.