Sis let me tell you….
I kept saying “2018 is going to be my year” at the begging of this year…
Well, in a way it was my year…
It was a year that brought me NOTHING that I expected and almost EVERYTHING that I feared.
2018 brought me: a devastating break up, the loss of friendships, the reality of working in a full time job I despise for the entire year, a checking account balance of .30 cents with a savings account with $31.29, and so much more. Everything that I thought this year was going to bring me, I pretty much got the opposite.
If I am being honest with you this is what I thought would happen:
I would end up engaged. I would make a dozen new friends. I would find a new full time job that I loved. I would be making so much money that I could swipe my card at New York & Company and not even have to think about it…..
Well, I was constantly stressed about my full time job and that spilled over into my home life causing my home to become a relationshit… I started to save money but ended up moving into a new place because of all the chaos and the rent alone knocked the wind out of my lungs… I just felt so hopeless. I kept thinking that there was some declaration that I could make that would make my year turn around.
I thought that all I had to do was pray it away.
Then I thought all I had to do was drink it away.
Then I thought all I had to do was declare it away.
Then I thought all I had to do was ignore it…
I say screw you 2018 because you exposed me for what I truly was…
See, the problem in my line of thought was that I thought that I could just hope for a new year.
Now don’t get me wrong, I worked on things, I worked my fingers to the bone on some days but I lacked one important thing…. INTENTIONALITY
I was working aimlessly.
I was praying aimlessly.
I was sacrificing aimlessly.
I was too proud to fulfill my own commitments.
I was too too proud to wait for the job to call me back.
I had a vision of myself as a go getter, but in reality I was secretly hoping that good things would happen to me as opposed to making good things appear.
Let’s be clear, good things happen to those who make them happen. It doesn’t matter what you believe the old sayings are true. “You reap what you sow”, “You get out of things what you put into them”, “Faith without works is dead”… You CANNOT expect for your situation to change until you intentionally create a better platform for yourself.
Sometimes we think we are humble enough to go into the next phase of life but really we are just insecure.
All the things I thought I was ready for. All the things that I thought I could handle. All of the prayers I had, well they weren’t answered. Some because it was not what was best for me. Some because that is not what I need in the long run. Some however, are simply because I was not ready for them.
So I say screw you 2018 because you taught me lessons I wish I could have learned an easier way.
I say screw you 2018 because you didn’t have to make me confront my fears the way that you did.
I say screw you 2018 because you didn’t have to let me get THIS vulnerable.
So now that I have made peace with these things, I can truly say the most important thing…. that being, THANK YOU 2018.
I say thank you for bringing me my blog ( a haven for my writing and an opportunity for me to explore the depths of myself)
I say thank you for bringing me wedding planning because your girl has TALENT and I can take someone’s dream wedding and exceed their expectations ( I’m not saying to book me, I am just saying if you don’t your missing out ;)
I say thank you for bringing me closer to my family overall ( life is so precious, they truly are all that you have sometimes)
I say thank you for bringing me Mason ( my dog) because even as I am writing this and he is annoying the hell out of me he has been my shoulder to cry on and reminder of God’s unconditional love on MANY occasions
I say thank you for allowing me to lose and rekindle my relationship. I like that tall piece of chocolate
Most importantly, I say thank you for showing me God in a way that I did not know Him before….
I now know God as an unwavering FRIEND, and for that I can’t say thank you enough.
So here is to 2019, THIS really will be my year and not because I expect good things to happen, but because I’m creating them.