Sis let me tell you…..
Unless you have a very solid relationship with your friends, there is one universal topic that always causes controversy.
Relationships
I have seen friends get into physical altercations because someone has made one of the following comments:
1.) He cheated and you’re going back, you gotta be kidding me
2.) I would NEVER allow anyone to do me like that, that’s crazy
3.) Man, if it was me I would do X,Y,Z…..
I see so many memes, so many television quarrels, and so many comments about how people believe that they “wouldn’t accept” a certain behavior if it was them… or… that they think someone is stupid for putting up with certain behaviors…
I decided to take a step back and look at a few things ( the Bible, psychology articles, and pieces of my own personal experiences) and I have come to one conclusion.
EVERYONE DOES NOT HAVE THE SAME NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST
Let me say that again in terms that everyone can understand…
That means: some people don’t care if their partner cheats, some people don’t care if their partner stays out all night and doesn’t call back, some people don’t care if their partner has a best friend that is of the opposite ( or attracting) sex, some people don’t care if their partner is friends with an ex, some people don’t care if their partner has a Master’s Degree, or any degree at all, some people don’t care if their partner doesn’t dress a certain way..
People do not care about the same things.
We are all individuals whose ideas and positions on things have been informed by the ways in which we were raised and the influential events of our matriculation through life.
So why on God’s green earth do you believe that someone who has had a COMPLETELY different experience than you is going to have the same parameters for what makes them happy and what they expect in their romantic life?
See what we do is we place this false notion of “ I just want what is best for you, and i don’t think that he/she is that”.
SIS HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!
Now let me be clear, if someone is infecting you with diseases, beating on you, or sexually assaulting you I am a FIRM believer that you have the right to help and I know that those situations are complex, but even as a friend it isn’t my job to hit you with a “Girl, I knew he was no good from the start I can’t believe you let him in your life”….
SIS you don’t think she already feels dumb as hell?! Why kick them when they are down?!
We have to remember ( or learn) that friendship is nothing more than LOVE that has caught fire, it is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving.. most importantly it MAKES ALLOWANCES FOR HUMAN WEAKNESSES.
If you have a friend that is dating someone that you think is not good enough for them or if they just aren’t what you would picture for them, here is a thought… CHECK YOURSELF. If you are really a friend, ask them why they chose this person, create a space where they feel comfortable talking to you, and truly listen.
We project on people our own insecurities so half of the time when you are yelling at them to not allow something, you are wounded from something you saw or allowed yourself.
Don’t be the person that allows their notions of the world to overshadow reality.
I won’t allow for anyone to try and sway me into becoming worried/ adding paranoia to my relationship because someone is coming from a place of past experiences filled with pain, confusion, or just assumption. I don’t think anyone else should either. I think we should be proud of what our non negotiable behaviors are and if they differ, as adults we should find beauty in those differences.
I could give a rats ass about the fact that my man has a lot of female friends. I don’t care because if he is going to cheat, that is representative of his character and not mine and I have a ton of close guy friends and they never cross the line so why be insecure? That is MY opinion though. I can’t take that opinion and apply it to my friends and their relationships.
So let’s just be honest.. if there was no social media, no opportunity for your friends to judge you for staying, no opinions from the elders of the church, no side eyes or subtweets… what would you allow? What would you participate in? Are you truly reacting to the things that happen in your life/ or that of your friends from a place of clarity or just because that is what is the norm?