Sis let me tell you…..
I am OVER this rhetoric of women having to be complacent with whatever treatment they get in order to make it to the ultimate finish line which is…. the RING.
The ring, the wedding, the pomp and circumstance, the whole gambit.
NOW, let’s be clear I AM NOT a married woman. I am NOT an engaged woman.
I am a woman that has been proposed to… TWICE… and I am a woman who would & has say HELL NO before just settling for the fact that I got a ring…. A relationship is not enough for me. I need a partner
I have seen Youtube videos, Instagram posts, and even Facebook status’ that are promoting women staying with men through “whatever it takes” in order to truly be worthy of his love and commitment….
Let’s be clear… I AM NOT RIDE OR DIE!
IF you want to beat on me, jeopardize my health and cheat on me, steal from me, be sexually explicit with and assault those around me, or any combination of the above… I AM NOT WITH YOU AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR RING.
I have literally seen post where women say that leaving a man for these things make you not worthy of his commitment… SIS, BYE.
Now, if you are already married that is a different story (although I do believe you should still be looking out for your mental, emotional, and physical health), but if you guys are just dating…. SIS don’t expect it to all get better because you got the ring.
There is a narrative that has been depicted as if “finding a good man” will complete you and the idea of having a family and settling down somehow makes a woman accomplished but the same thing is not communicated for men and I am sick of it.
Finding a woman like me is an accomplishment and I won’t settle for someone thinking otherwise.
Women CONSTANTLY always say these little statements like “I mean he is a good man, he pays bills he is pretty respectful, and he is better than my last man”… THAT IS NOT ENOUGH!
Iyanla Vanzant pens a letter to her incarcerated son in the book, Yesterday I Cried, and she goes over the fact that he was putting this woman on a pedestal and saying that she was the “best” thing that could ever happen to him because he had not experienced anything better.
Just because they are the best you have had, does NOT mean they are the best thing for you.
I remember being in a relationship and I fell into the thought process of wanting the ring, aka the finish line, so very badly, that I was willing to put up with just about anything that he did.
No one ever asked me if I was happy. No one ever asked me if I felt satisfied in my relationship. No one ever stopped to see if he was helping me develop as a person. The only thing they cared about was that he had a pretty decent job, he never put his hands on me, and he didn’t seem to be addicted to anything. Wow, what a high standard we hold men to.
On the other hand, people were asking him if i was supporting his business ideas, asking if I planned on going to get another degree, asked what I did for a living, asked if he thought I was the type of woman he could see himself with… They were HELLA invested in his development and overall joy and the only question I got was: “When you getting a ring girl”.
If one more person asks me about when I am getting married as if that is some type of finish line or indicator of my successful relationship status I am going to SCREAM.
I know people who are getting married because they are so lost within themselves they think their partner is going to save them.. I know people who are married who have complete families in other places, I know people who are married who can’t communicate with each other in a healthy way, I know people who are married because they felt so pressured by the church and yet they actually don’t LIKE the person they are with each day… I know SO many people who have settled…. So why on earth with the bits of intelligence that I have acquired do I want to set myself up for the same life?
Now, I don’t think marriage is bad. I want to get married. I don’t hate on people who get married. Hell, I plan weddings for people (14+ a year to be exact) and I LOVE the concept of spending an eternity with someone worth it.
I HATE the idea that as a woman I need to sit back and wait for my Prince Charming to deem me worthy enough of his commitment and I need to tip toe my way through life in hopes that he is going to pick me…
People are always quoting the Bible saying “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”…. SIS that verse is not just for the men… The verse uses the word find! FIND as in it is not just right in front of your face… Meaning you might have to go through some hurdles ( self development) in order for you to FIND it…
Be someone worth finding… Not in the superficial way in terms of your bank account, your clothes, or the amount of inspirational quotes you post on IG…
I mean be someone worth finding like enjoying who you are. Being passionate about yourself.
See I don’t think we have to endure the scraps of what men give us in hopes of posting a selfie with a rock on our finger.. I think that we deserve the opportunity to be cherished and respected for all of the things that we bring to the table.
So, to all of the women out there that settled and are making commentary to other women who won’t…. be TRANSPARENT with yourself and those around you… For those who are happily married/engaged, talk about the actual qualities you appreciate in your spouse, and to the women who are just trying to figure it all out, keep your head up! Just because they reached the “finish line” doesn’t mean they didn’t have to give up pieces of themselves they wish they hadn’t in order to get there.
RUN YOUR RACE. Take your time. Stay in YOUR lane.
We have the power to write our own stories, don’t write yourself a tragedy instead of a triumph.