At the end of the year 2019 I made a vision board for all of the things that I wanted this year to bring me.
I wanted to focus on growing closer to God, fitness, travel, and embracing every piece of black love.
So how on earth did 2020 bring me a global pandemic and a partner that is a red haired white man?
Now, when I say he has red hair, I mean the real red hair.. ginger beard…. pale skin… I am talking WHITE MAN.
If you would have asked me at age 24 what my life would look like at 28 I would have said married with beautiful chocolate babies running around… That couldn’t be the farthest thing from my reality yall.
So let’s explore how this all happened.
I was living my best single life, I tried the dating app Hinge (mind your business I do what I want), and in my inbox comes a red head…
I instantly shrug him off, because well… I dreamed of being the Michelle to someone’s Barack not the Angela to someone’s Shawn (Boy Meets World) or the Lauren to someone’s Cameron (Love is Blind). I never had an issue with interracial dating I just didn’t want it in my plans.
I thought to myself: “He can’t understand me” “He can’t protect me” “He can’t truly listen to my pain” “He won’t really be there for me like I need” & if I can be really transparent… I didn’t want the feedback that would come with dating a white man. I was not about to be called: “sell-out” “the white man’s whore” “Uncle Tom” “she not really down she with a white man” or any other combination of things that isolated or ostracized me for what he looked like.
I was about to delete the app and then we messaged because something in me just said “it is the beginning of a pandemic girl just message back to be nice the convo will last all of 10 minutes and then you can go live your life”…. HA HA HA
We talked… talked some more… and talked more.
We had so much in common and I noticed that I wanted to talk to him more and more. He was kind, funny, thoughtful, compassionate, empathetic, Godly, sweet, romantic, and cute.
We went on virtual “dates” and before I knew it, I was planning my day around when I was going to get to talk to him next. I can’t really put in words what he makes me feel, I just know it is what I need.
Fast forward to the point where he becomes more permanent in my life and I am realizing that I need to start telling my friends/family/ etc about him….
THIS WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART
I got one of three reactions:
1.) Some people said “Raven, if you are happy that is all that I care about”
2.) Other people said “I could care less if he is white or not he better not try no funny sh*t”
3.) Other people said “But he is white… how could you do that.. I mean I guess it’s cool I just could never” (As if I was dating a mass murderer or something)
I can’t lie to you, some of it hurt…
I think what hurt the most is that for some people that had such negative things to say, they never even asked how he treated me.. I mean not a single question about me being happy… not a question about who he was as a person… nothing…
Now, let me be CLEAR. I understand exactly why they said what they said.
Let’s be clear: white men have a history of being egotistical, racist, fragile, emotionally charged, deceptive, conniving, irrational, arrogant, and much more. ( I said what I said). I have always been aware that every white man was not this way, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can name a TON that are.
How was a white man going to understand how I felt when the news of Breonna Taylor broke?
How was a white man going to understand how I felt when I talked about the need for a viable third party because the black vote matters and neither party seems to be making it a true priority?
How was a white man going to understand that I need for politicians to do things for people that look like me unapologetically? Because let’s face it they do things for other groups unapologetically ALL the time.
How was a white man going to understand the fact that I cried about George Floyd’s death and then attended a meeting at work and listened to someone make light of the outrage and I just had to sit there and take it?
How was a white man going to understand that when I say I LOVE BLACK MEN for everything they are and everything they will be?
Well, I still don’t understand how he does it all but I guarantee you that he does.
He understands my rhythm, blues, and everything in between.
Now, I don’t subscribe to the notion that because he is white he is superior. He admits that this relationship with me probably wouldn’t be as positive, peaceful, and full of joy had I met him a few years ago. He says he had some maturing to do. Lord knows in those same years I did as well.
I don’t think our relationship works because he has saved me. I don’t think of him as some superior being… I see him for his totality and although this isn’t what I planned… I am excited for what it is.
I don’t have all of the answers, or maybe even a lot of answers, when it comes to interracial dating but I know a few things for certain.
1.) This relationship allows for me to be my whole self each day without limitations
2.) This relationship is filled with peace, joy, meditation, and prayer
3.) This relationship has awakened things in me that I didn’t know were there
4.) This relationship reminds me to be thankful
It has been hard for me to embrace, and honestly as I write these words I have tears in my eyes because I am still afraid of this reality but I understand that I have to live my life on the terms that best serve me.
Him and I write letters to each other (no we are not long distance I just said it would be cool to write letters, put them in the mail, and never talk about the things we say in our letters even when we see each other 4 days out of the week)…. In his latest letter he wrote “How can I pray for you this week” and I feel like that is the best way I can describe this new chapter. The thoughtfulness, kindness, care, and adoration displayed in a statement like that is so hard to come by. That little line is just one out of hundreds of examples…
I don’t really believe in the whole “relationship goals” idea because you have NO idea what couples are going through outside of their highlight reel but I do know that I now have a deeper appreciation for people who find love in ways that aren’t “traditional” . Neil Patrick Harris & his husband, Lauren & Cameron, Will & Jada, Childish Gambino & his wife, and every other example of two consenting adults having a relationship that suits their needs should be enough even if other people don’t agree.
I don’t know where you are at on your journey and search for love….
I don’t know what tomorrow has in store, but I know that you deserve to have someone who accepts and loves you in your totality. Don’t settle for anything less than the love you dream of. It may come in a package you weren’t expecting.. Maybe they are in another state, darker, lighter, taller, shorter, not your regular type, a parent, or in some way different than what you thought your life would look like…
But remember, in the long run you want to end up with what you need not what you want.
I wish you a love that lasts a lifetime that truly fulfills your deepest desires.
More importantly, I pray that you have the courage to accept it when it comes along even if it isn’t what you originally pictured.
WE got this sis, just trust the journey.