Now we know Raven lives for the “unconventional” life and from what I am told my relationship with my ex boyfriend fits that description perfectly. Now, a couples of years ago I wrote a blog post about being happy that we broke up… Well we got back together and then broke up AGAIN! This time for good.
Ever since I met Jawari, my ex, I have felt this gravitational pull to him. I can’t really explain it but I just knew that he was meant to be in my life. We were always open about how we got together: I thought I was going to have a “hoe phase” where I had fun and I was going to just casually date people… Well I went on a date with Jawari and three years later we were over. HA HA HA. Longest hookup of my life.
We did a lot over the course of our three year relationship… We traveled to a ton of places, moved to a new state, volunteered, join fraternities & sororities, got big people careers, integrated one another in each other’s families, and really built our version of a life together. He has seen me at some incredible highs and some truly terrible lows.
Although at the root of our romantic relationship was a beautiful friendship…. We were not a great couple. We tried therapy, we tried prayer, we tried separation… We were just not meant to be a WE.
So fast forward to present day and we are very good friends and most people just can’t understand it.
I don’t mean surface level friends either. I mean when we have ideas about passions we call each other, we run together, we grab tacos right before the place closes together, talk on the phone for 5 hours at a time, talk about our love lives FRIENDS.
We both have gotten questions like:
1.) “So you guys are still hooking up since your friends”- HELL NO
2.) “If you guys are such great friends can’t you just work it out”- HELL NO
3.) “So you guys are just staying close so that you can take a break and get back together later”- HELL NO
When we were dating I made a promise to him to always be there for him and I told him that I would always love him and I meant every word.
We were talking on the phone yesterday and we agree that most people say things like that to each other when they are in relationships but they are just blowing smoke. They say things with hidden meanings. Like this:
1.) “I will love you forever” aka “I will love you as long as you are loving me”
2.) “I want you to be happy” aka “I want you to be with me and if you aren’t I don’t care anymore”
3.) “I will always be here for you” aka “If we break up, this statement is null and void”
See, I don’t think we loved each other with conditions. Unfortunately I believe that most people do.
I didn’t want him to be happy if it was with me, I just wanted to see him walk in the purpose that God had for him no matter what. Of course for a period I wished that was me and did everything in my power to try and make his happily ever after with me, but you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole.
There are a plethora of reasons that us being very close works for us, but the most relevant thing that we are experiencing now is the honest feedback that we give to each other in reference to our romantic identities.
When you go to work and you don’t do well, your boss probably tells you and coaches you through your next project.
When you play a sport and you aren’t playing up to par, your coach will come and help you to get better.
So who helps you with your relationships?
Of course God, your friends, and family but outside of God who really knows EXACTLY how you are inside of a relationship? Let’s be honest, we don’t always tell our friends/family the WHOLE truth about every situation and beyond that they don’t experience every interaction that you have. The only people who truly know what happens inside of a relationship are those experiencing it and God. (& God be screaming from the mountaintops for us to change our behavior and we act like we have selective hearing. Don’t lie to me, lie to yourself about this one).
I want to break generational curses and develop healthy meaningful romantic relationships but without honest guidance on my failures, how can I move forward? It takes a lot of maturity to look someone in the face that you planned your life with and hear how you failed and take criticism. I won’t say that this is for the weak by any means. I will say that it is for people who are willing to grow. There are so many things that I have taken from his feedback that I incorporate into my current life and that has made my life so much better.
Now, I recognize my privilege here because I wasn’t fleeing domestic violence, someone stealing from me, or someone cheating on me. In those situations, I understand people’s desire to not continue on with any relationship but in situations where it just wasn’t meant to be… why not?
Why not grow with someone even when it wasn’t the way you thought it would be?
To this day I have a friend, support system, and a shoulder to lean on. That isn’t going to change.
That is a blessing and although I might have re-written what his initial purpose was in my life without asking God why he was in my life in the first place, I won’t allow my pride to have me missing out on my blessing.
I have always believed that someone can truly be platonic friends with their ex, and now I feel even stronger about it.
So when you see us supporting each other on social media, grabbing food, or taking each other to the airport understand a few things:
1.) NO we are not a couple
2.) YES we are good friends
3.) YES we know about each other’s love life (he knew about my man LONG before most of you knew)
Every relationship should teach you something about yourself and the way that you relate to other people. Whether you want to hear it or not, you were NOT perfect in your last relationship and there is probably some piece of advice that they could give you to help you better navigate your next relationship.
I want to be the best me and the best partner that I can be and there are some fundamental things that I wasn’t taught. I wasn’t able to figure out on my own. I wasn’t able to tackle head on. I wasn’t perfect and if someone wasn’t nice enough to tell me that I might have ended up giving the right person the worst of me.
Whether it is being friends with an ex, talking to a therapist, praying constantly, or a combination of all three I hope that you take out the time to truly grow. I also hope that you learn to not say things you don’t mean. If your love for someone is completely contingent on them serving the purpose in life that you have in your head and outside of that you won’t stick to your promises, STOP MAKING THEM. (Again, not talking about those dealing with abuse of any kind or cheating).
Jawari and I are mature enough to say we may not be each other’s happily ever after, but we will always have each other’s back.
I pray that you have the strength to let go of relationships that don’t serve you because you are afraid to lose someone. I pray that you have honest conversations around your emotional depth. I pray that you treat people with actual kindness. I pray that you advocate for what you actually need from people.
I also pray that you stop treating people like they are possessions or as if they are something that you should control. Open your heart to genuine love in all of its forms and don’t be afraid to live life on your own terms.
WE got this sis, just trust the journey.