So a few years ago I started going to therapy.
I started going because I was dealing with an abundance of childhood trauma, loneliness, and confidence issues. I also started going because I have always wanted to be a mother and if there is one thing I have learned over the years… What you don’t address ends up influencing the way you interact with the world.
In addition, hurt people HURT PEOPLE and I know I will never be a perfect mother but at the very least I could try to change a few things.
I have learned a ton of things from therapy over the years but lately I have been on a journey of “unlearning” some things.
These things I am nervous to even write about because they make me feel so vulnerable, but growth never came from being comfortable so here I go.
The three biggest things I have had to unlearn lately are:
1.) What masculinity looks like and my interpretations of it
2.) The definition of “success”
3.) Exchanging my time and talents for money and corporate validation does not actually make me fulfilled
1.) I have always been attracted to dark skin men and I thought it was all strictly based on preference. I never realized that my preference for dark skin men was actually because I equated dark skin men with being stronger and more “in charge” and adversely, I saw light skin men as sensitive and emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t even thinking about anything outside of black men. Now, I am well aware of how history has shaped these views, but I don’t think my conscious mind realized that my preference was rooted in this. Well, fast forward to my reality of dating a fair skinned white man with red hair and I had to come to the realization that I would have very fair children. My son… The son that I have always wanted… Would be a light skin man….. MY SON?! Now, you might think what does my preference and assumptions of strength have to do with having a light skin child but it has everything to do with how my subconscious mind would treat him. Yes, I am aware that if I had a child I would love them unconditionally. I am not naive in that respect, but I have watched people have children and not address their biases and trauma and trust me, although they love their children… THEY ARE HUMAN AND THEY STILL ARE INFLUENCED BY THESE THINGS. I don’t want to react to my future child’s actions subconsciously and not provide him with the best and most supportive mother possible. I have had to unlearn my ideas of masculinity and the ways that I assess strength and manhood. I had to unlearn my biases and confront the “truths” I had been told since a young age about masculinity and what it means to be a man.
2.) I always assumed that success was a destination. My idea of success growing up was owning a home, working a good paying 9-5, and having a family of my own. I own my home, I work in corporate America, and I have a dog (that is close enough to a family right now lol). I give myself a pass for the family portion and by my previous definition of the word, I have arrived. The thing that I did not realize is that once you get there you will ask yourself “ what is next” and “why the hell am I not satisfied”. When I look back on my journey the moments that I felt the most fulfilled were actually moments where I was stumbling and trying something new. It was in moments like when I ran 10 miles for the first time, when I went on my first solo trip, or when I got let go from my job that I had moments that I believe have had a bigger impact on me than when I closed on my home. That is not to say that it wasn’t a wonderful experience, because it was. It was just something I felt like I needed to do out of necessity. But running those 10 miles, that was out of grit. That was out of sheer perseverance. That was out of me defining success for myself and relentlessly working towards it even if no one else thought it was important. I say all of that to say, success really is different for everyone and you should have the confidence to define it for yourself. If you want to live in a van, be vegan, and make crafts for the rest of your life.. Honestly, go for it. Be the BEST at whatever it is you want to do. That is success. I had to unlearn other people’s versions of success and write a new definition for myself that would make myself happy.
3.) I thought being a hard worker was a compliment. To an extent it is, but when it is in the context of Corporate America it is a death wish. I used to work 11 hour days in hopes of proving myself to my boss and I used to yearn for their approval. I wanted to show that I was dependable and truly the “person for the job” I wish I would have started therapy sooner because I was actually just dealing with imposter syndrome and I needed to RELAX. After working professionally for the past 7 years, I have one major takeaway… No it isn’t a bunch of leadership skills… It isn’t a key to climb the corporate ladder… It isn’t a hack to make sure that you are making 6 figures before you are 30.. it is simple. USE EVERY DAMN DAY OF PTO YOU ARE GIVEN AND NEGOTIATE FOR MORE IF YOU CAN. I mean that. If you die your job is going to post your position and possibly send your family a card and some flowers. If you are working for a company you need to do what is best for you. You do not, and I repeat you do NOT need to work yourself to death so that their stock prices can go up. You need to focus on your own mental health, your quality of life, and your happiness. Your family, friends, partner, and passions will ALWAYS be more important than the job. Never forget how you truly impact this world. I had to unlearn my thoughts on validation within the corporate world and replace these ideas with meaningful substitutes.
Having to unlearn and unpack these things and MANY more has been difficult but I believe it has been very much so worth it.
Everyday that I notice a shift in my mindset, I know that I am making progress and I am proud of the woman that I am becoming.
What do you need to unlearn? What conscious or subconscious things are influencing the ways that you navigate this world? I challenge you to become aware of them and fight back. You only get to do this things once sis, you deserve to be your best self.
So go sign up for therapy, journal, or do some deep digging…
We can do it sis, just trust the journey.