Sis let me tell you…..
I am going to be really honest about my relationships….
I have always wanted to create an untrue narrative about them.
I have always wanted to appear worthy of love and as if I had it all together but let me just tell you, I have to be honest.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.
So, most people know me in relation to my latest man, the Big Guy…
Let me start by saying, I started this journey of transparency to provide a space for others to feel like they were not alone but as I confess my short comings I feel like I am burdened by fear and anxiety.
Here goes nothing:
Sis, your girl used to be crazy. I mean like call ten times in a row crazy. I mean like check up on ya man via other people crazy. I mean throwing shit and breaking shit crazy. I mean screaming at ya man crazy. I mean chasing after ya man crazy. I mean just down right CRAZY. I didn’t know what I was doing and I was completely controlled by my emotions.
So, The Big Guy, and I had been dating for almost two years and if you would have asked someone that followed either of us on IG, they would have said we were happy and just head over heels. I remember the moment I knew that I was living a lie…. We went to Mexico and posted pictures once we got back and people were commenting talking about “goals” and “Baecation” etc…. What people didn’t know was that the night before we left we almost broke up ( or maybe we did, our relationship had turned into relationshit so we could have been separated I can’t remember).
I would love to tell you that it was all his fault. I would love to tell you that I was the only victim.
I can’t do that.
Just as much as I was the victim, I was the aggressor.
I am a girl that comes from a home with a dynamic setup.
Speaking my truth: I had male figures who wouldn’t know fidelity if it slapped them in the face, women who scream, curse, and condemn to communicate, and only a few examples of solid relationships. I used to look at one of my friends parents all the time and wonder how they stayed in such a nice and caring relationship and I wanted so badly to have that life but guess what, I had NO IDEA how the hell to get there.
So let’s look at this equation right.
You have a woman who wants to be married with a family + no real examples of how to do it= CHAOS.
I have had to UNLEARN a million behaviors. I mean it seems like very single got dag on day I have to unlearn another behavior.
I thought that the louder I screamed the more he would hear me.
I thought that it was his job to make me happy.
I thought that I was the only person that needed to be pampered
I thought that as long as we were superficially happy things would be fine
I thought that if I fit the mold of what a wife looked like to me he would love me
I thought that the more I threatened him with the amount of other people who wanted me the more he would tend to me
I thought that the more I ignored him the more he would chase after me
I thought that the more I inserted myself in his life the more he would need me
I thought I needed him to need me
I thought that I could not succeed without his validation….
Sis, I was a 13 year old girl still dealing with a sexually explicit step father, a mother who was angry beyond belief, and a million insecurities inside the body of a 25 year old woman.
I kept telling myself that I was upset with him for not proposing or moving us forward, but I am THANKFUL he never did because if he had he would have signed us both up for a life of strife, chaos, and continuing the generational curses I was born into.
I am glad we broke up. I am thankful we broke up.
I am blessed we got back together ( well technically he still hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend so I won’t claim him too much cause he knows he needs to ask lol)
Let me tell you sis, it has been a FULL TIME JOB trying to unlearn and re program myself into being the woman that I need to be. The woman that I need for myself and the generations that I will create.
It is so funny to me now, we don’t post a single picture and no one tells us we are goals anymore, however I am more in love with him now than I ever have been and each day we find a new way to create a new future for ourselves.
I had to learn that hurt people, hurt people and unfortunately unless i got a hold of myself I was going to keep feeding into that cycle.
See, the love I have now isn’t because of anything besides commitment, honesty, and teamwork. All of these things I did not know how to obtain until I sat myself down and fixed things internally and I still am humble enough to admit I don’t always get it right, I just am not where I was.
Sometimes sis, we are apart of the problem.
I fear that there may be other women out there trying to create a home with a family and all they have is the blueprint of an apartment with broken relationships.
Sis, you can do it.
Go to therapy, pick up a hobby, get a mentor, PRAY, and understand that you are able to do ALL things with God.
Love is a commitment and it starts with yourself.
We can do it sis, just trust the journey.