Girl let me tell you….
I feel refreshed. Have you ever had a moment where you just feel refreshed?
So, I have had this thing since I was a kid where I have to sleep with the television on. I feel like a monster is always coming to kill me specifically and that if the television is on it is going to scare them away.. I realize as I type this out just how stupid I sound but leave me and my irrational fears alone. I don’t judge you for yours now do I?!
The other night, I turned off the tv and just went to sleep. I slept so hard and I woke up just in time for my alarm to go off. This does not happen for me do you understand? I am ALWAYS tossing and turning. I have to get up to pee. I have to get up to see if the monsters are coming. I just don’t sleep well.
Well recently in my life I have been going through a couple of things. I have been in a place of true battle with my purpose, career, and even those around me. I have been struggling to figure out where I am supposed to be, how long I am supposed to be there, and who is supposed to be around me. That is a hard thing to go through, but I have to be completely transparent I have had some help getting through this and the help has come in ways that I would not have imagined.
Now, I am a spiritual person, God and I are besties. I mean real besties. I love Him and trap music and that works for our relationship. The Bible says that God will send you little reminders to help you along the way and let me tell you… I have received a multitude.
First battle: My purpose. I have read books, articles, listened to podcasts, cried over bottles of wine, asked friends, and even asked my boyfriend searching for the answer to the question : “what is my purpose”. All of these venues mean well, but let me be frank they don’t know the damn answer. They have just about as much insight that I do. See, I am a finish line thinker. I have always been this way. I have always thought that I need to have a clear cut plan and that I needed a way to accomplish said plan. I like to create my future and not let it happen by chance…. I am foolish yall, I can’t help it. See, in searching for my purpose I forgot that I just might find it in the journey. See, we all know that diamonds are literally made from pieces of coal under pressure, but not one of us is signing up to be under pressure. Guess what, that lump of coal is going to remain just that without a process. Here is where God sent a few little messages for me in my journey: 1.) I got a tattoo that says “Les Voyage est la prix” in my junior year in college. Ever since the day I got the tattoo I started to constantly be reminded from people in passing, billboards, songs, quotes, and much more that the journey truly is the prize. 2.) I moved to Arkansas… (I know I know, it still sounds stupid and I have been here a year) and the process of shedding my preconceived notions of what life looked like has been overwhelmingly refreshing. I look around where I live sometimes and I think “this must mean something to my journey, I can feel it”. See, I kept demanding that my purpose be revealed when I never stopped to consider that my purpose might be for me to be exactly where I am...
Second battle: My career. I am a woman with a master’s degree. I have gone back and forth between the desire for copious amounts of income and the desire to help those in need. Let me tell you, if they paid people more money to help those in need it would be so much easier to want to stay in the profession. I have felt a lack of passion, meaning, and much more in my current position. I got to the point where I became fed up and I knew that I needed to start looking for new employment and that is when it all came bubbling up. I was searching for security in things that will never be secure. I was searching for passion and meaning in my work but I wasn’t doing anything myself to place it there. It is so funny sometimes when you realize that you just might be the problem. See I could get a new job tomorrow, but if my mentality stayed the same I was going to be bound by the same issues again. I had to find a way to free my mind. I had to find a way to visualize my life in a new career and find ways to make it something that I would enjoy and give my all to. The money really might seem like the motive, but as much as we would like to lie and say that it does, money will not solve our issues. So here comes God with a few little messages for me: 1.) One of my volleyball teammates knows the hiring manager for the job I have been interviewing for and meets with her to sing my praises. Now, this was completely elective and I didn’t even ask him to do it on my behalf. Whether or not I get the job is sort of irrelevant to the underlying point that is: God will send you people who will pave a way for you just because you have faith. 2.) My boyfriend might as well sleep in a cheer-leading uniform that says my damn name on it. This man told everyone in every restaurant, everyone on his team at work, everyone who would listen that I had applied for the job and that I was going through the rounds of interviews. It made me so very nervous at first because I didn’t want to go through the embarrassment of having to tell them that I did not get it if I didn’t and I told him this and he said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. He said “why are you thinking of what will happen if you don’t get the job.. Why aren’t you thinking about what will happen when you do get it”. I stopped there and said: I get it God, you are telling me I have the wrong mindset… Copy. See, having faith means more than prayer and putting on a happy face.
See your goal, claim your goal, visualize your goal, and step into it.
Third battle: Those around me. Now, as I have told you all before I have a wonderful group of friends and because of them, I have this expectation that everyone is like them.. Wrong. I am typically a very nice and welcoming person. I will meet someone new at 1:00 pm and be trying to find a way for them to accomplish their dreams by 5:00. I enjoy helping others. I enjoy giving. I enjoy relationships. I just don’t enjoy the harsh reality that everyone isn’t meant to have a relationship with you. I recently have parted with three people. All from different spheres of my life and none of them even know that we have parted. I started getting up every morning reading the word & praying.One morning in particular, I prayed “God, if they are not supposed to be with me on my journey please take them from me”. I lie to you not a week later I found my circle smaller. I was instantly upset. Who really wants to get that prayer answered? I mean, that hurts… I wish God knew I meant that in the way where I ask for it but I am not actually ready for the answer lol. The three people all had different levels of importance in my life. One was very simple to lose. Our relationship had been fading away for some time now and I just decided I was going to let it go. I didn’t need to keep trying to force anything. Our season was beautiful and it stretched for years, but it was time for it to come to a close. The second was a little harder to lose only because I was uncertain as to why we stopped talking. If I was honest with myself, I thought they were sort of negative and a lot too handle, but it happened so quickly I was startled. I realized one day though that all of my emotions weren’t because I missed the friendship, it was because I didn’t control the way it fizzled out. Lastly, I sat myself down and I came to terms that someone in my family was not good for my well being. It is not that I won’t love, pray for, and encourage them.. It is that I have to preserve my peace and they are always somewhere trying to mess it up. So here comes God with a few little messages: 1.) Relationships with people in my life that I thought were sort of dormant, I realized just needed a little watering. 2.) I was focusing on what I had lost but was skimming over the fact that my boyfriend had made some of the most kind gestures he had ever made in our relationship, my sister and I were getting to spend physical time together (she travelled for me yall), and the people who were in my corner were showing up and showing out.
It is not about how many people sing your praises, it is about the depth of the words.
See, I said all of this to say that I am sleeping well, because I have peace. I have peace because I am focusing on what is important. My focus has changed so my life has changed.
It starts in your mind.
We can do it sis, just trust the journey.