So I was listening to a sermon by the wonderful Steven Furtick entitled: “Same Devils, New Levels” and let me just tell you, it read me for filth.
Why you might ask? Well: it is actually quite simple..
I have been using the same methods of survival, for every aspect of my life, that I acquired when I was a child. Basically, I have been allowing the coping mechanisms I had when I was 6 years old to address the problems that I have at 28. Y’all… What the hell am I doing?!
Some of you may know that childhood for me was no walk in the park. Between physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, divorce, homelessness, medical conditions, racism, financial turmoil, and an identity crisis life was a STRUGGLE.
I can’t tell you how many times I cried and begged God to hear me and take me out of that environment and for life to get better. Here is the thing that I have found… God answers your prayers but it is up to you to keep yourself out of the mess He brought you out of.
Here are two examples of what I mean:
1.) My mother was in a relationship that left her financially unstable as he stole tens of thousands of dollars from her and we ended up sleeping in a silver kia van. Luckily for us after a little while of living like this we were able to stay with family and friends until we got back on our feet. Do you know what it feels like to get dressed in your school uniform and have your mom drop you off at your ALL WHITE private Christian school where you are the only person of color and you know you don’t have a home to go back to? Or to watch your mother order McDonalds, one meal, and have you split it between your sisters… All at the hands of a failed “love”. Well, I do. Shout out to my mom for being so kick ass and making a way out of no way though, but that is a story for another day. Well, fast forward in my own life and I find myself in a new state and I BOUGHT my first home and yet sometimes I tip toe inside of it because I feel like an imposter. Who am I to have all of this you know? I have trouble shaking the feeling that I should be struggling more or that I should be grappling to make ends meet so sometimes I don’t go after things I really want because I fear success so much. I fear that everyone will know I was just the girl who couldn’t afford much… I feel like I don’t deserve to be any better off than what I was… I used to tell myself I didn’t want lavish things in life because I knew they were out of reach and my mother couldn’t afford to get my hair done, or my nails done, or to buy me cute clothes like the other girls… So in this home of mine now… Why would I fill it with nice things or even really do anything besides hang pictures… It could all be snatched away from me at any given moment… But… I have to remind myself: NEWSFLASH: IT’S A NEW SEASON.
2.) I am not new to the dating game. I am a serial monogamous who basically invented being a simp/wifin in the club. The vast majority of my relationships have always followed the same blueprint: I have so much trauma rooted in growing up so fast due to my upbringing and taking care of my sisters that I mirror a mother figure, I end up finding someone I can take care of. I mean if you have something that pains you deep down I am the one that you can call to talk to it about and I won’t judge you. I will rub your back and try to help you fight through it. Which sounds so sweet right? The only problem is that I never allow for my identity to come to light I am simply performing what I think I should be in order to attract who you are. The worst part of it all is that I usually don’t even stop to ask if I like that person for who they are, I just think about who they could be if that pain was healed. Fast forward to the moment that I break that vicious cycle and I end up with a man who sees me even when I try to hide and I realize it doesn’t have to be that way. I didn’t just stumble into this relationship though, I intentionally had to work through my pain and come to the conclusion that I deserve good things and to be seen… NEWSFLASH: IT’S A NEW SEASON.
I tell you these two stories because I have been navigating my life off of my old ways of thinking. I have been trying to fight the problems in my life with my survival instincts but they aren’t working. They aren’t working because for the first time I am truly living. I mean living in a way that requires for me to critically think about what brings me joy. What legacy do I want to leave. What will best suit my desires. It is the very opposite of what I used to do. The people pleasing. The doing what I needed to in order to not feel so lonely. The taking any job offered simply to make ends meet. The accepting the advances of someone who had no intention of loving me thoroughly, holistically, and unapologetically the way I needed as opposed to the ways that they wanted.
NEWSFLASH SIS…. IT’S A NEW SEASON!
You don’t have to try to survive anymore.
You don’t have to accept what you see simply because you don’t think that anything better will come along.
You don’t have to listen to the notion that you are not good enough.
You don’t have to do any of that anymore.
Surviving and living are truly two different things and I hope that you take up your wings and soar today.
Stop trying to use your old defense mechanisms in an effort to protect yourself.
You are in a new space.. Embrace your journey and learn what this new chapter needs from you.
We can do it sis, just trust the journey.